Relationships are distracting

Before anything, I'd like to provide a brief disclaimer to anyone...well not anyone, one person in particular (you know who you are) who might think I'm writing this post about especially about them. Not quite, I'm writing this post after being inspired by our conversation up on the hill so whilst this may seem as though I am referring directly to you - I'm not; rather this is about yours and other friends current circumstances which conjured up the need to write about a recurring theme in our lives.

In short, I'll write a little about my opinions on relationships, their apparent purpose in our lives and the exuberant and unnecessary emphasis I believe that is placed on them. I realize I am an opinionated, hypocritical brat but hey - you wouldn't be reading this if that wasn't at least some of the enticement.

The topic of romantic relationships is obviously a complicated one. It is a conversation that has remained a constant throughout the history of human interaction - imprinting itself and influencing everything from poetry to music, religion, culture and even politics - to the very mutated and congested entity it is today. Matters of the heart are single-handedly responsible for the success and multi-billion dollar fortune of the popular music and movie industry because they are something that every single person can relate to on some level, be it being in love, breaking up or feeling lonely.

To be frank, I believe these kinds of relationships are one of the greatest conspiracies against mankind and its evolution. Perhaps our reptilian overlords cursed us with this affliction as a distraction or some kind of scientific experiment. From an historical purpose romance has indeed served a marvelous purpose and has been a source of inspiration to some of the greatest literature ever written and its subsequent influence on society and culture however in this day and age, at this point in time, I can't help but feel that we should have evolved to the "next stage" of cognitive and functional existence without having to rely on the same romantic formula. A cyclical and predictable scenario disguising itself as if it were something new. As far as I'm concerned, we should have reached to a new form of emotional intelligence, one learned and developed from our primitive past.

The roles of gender in society, particularly for women, have been quite stringently indoctrinated into our very genes. As the helpless and hapless woman you must find yourself a mate to justify and bring purpose to your life - to find a protector, a provider but ultimately, a validation. We like to think we are beyond that way of thinking and existing but we're not. There are still too many women who find themselves utterly broken and depressed when they are single and seem only to become themselves again once they find a partner.

Many of us think like to think that we have found "the one". You haven't. You've just found someone who, at this particular point in your life, you are mentally, emotionally and physically attracted to while hormones are doing the rest. Your body wants to program you into procreation and it will use any trick in the book to do it but what you think you are feeling is more than likely not what it actually is. Of course love exists. Of course you feel overwhelmed with such abundant and inexpressible emotions and sparks and connections but I'm sorry to say it, you're not a special star and you certainly haven't found your other half. 

Compatibility is a wonderful thing - and there's nothing wrong with wanting it - but what always strikes me as odd is this seemingly innocent desire to have it. It's almost as though we need it; we want to feel loved; we want that bond; that connection - but why? Because it feels good? Because it's reassuring? Because it validates you as a person? Again - why? 

I'm sure most of us have experienced it: that wild and passionate bond you developed with someone who was the be all and end all of your life, nothing could possibly tear you apart until...it does. The hormones subsided, routine and monotony set in and life just doesn't have that excitement to it any more, the spark is lost and fundamentally, I believe it is that spark we become addicted to and crave (not the person). So if you could achieve that spark via other means, why don't you? We as a species have grown so placid and reliant on this incestuous desire to feel wanted in a relationship that we've abandoned and forgotten a lost instinct that goes back much further in time than when the first caveman beat the first cavewoman over the head with a rock and dragged her into the cave.

I have found myself comforting many a-friend after a relationship-breakdown. Naturally the person was mourning the loss of the relationship but there was also a common theme of woe in that "now I'm going to be alone, and single" as if that is in someway a bad thing. Are you kidding me? To be alone at this age and in this moment in time is probably one of the greatest blessings anyone could possibly ask for. Assuming you're a reasonably well-developed person who is strong in character, you are now granted with an opportunity to master and refine the art of your SELF. You aren't tied down to accommodate the needs of another, you don't have to consider the thoughts, opinions or feelings of anyone else and you can just work on yourself and what you want out of life. Why does that concept have to be such a difficult pill to swallow? Why should we consider self-improvement a selfish act since we have been shown time and time again the flaws and failures of a romantic system that has only gotten us so far? How does being in a relationship improve the quality of your life? Have you really asked yourself that - or do you just miss those temporary feelings of validation another soul once offered you? Instead of trying to seek enlightenment through another person, imagine your potential if you could harness that for your own. Have you ever tried? 

Think of all the hours you lost fretting over your crush, how mentally and emotionally exhausting it was just to type a fucking text message and then wait what seemed like an eternity for a response. All that time wasted on thinking on fantasy and anxiety gone. And for what? That fluffy little feeling in your stomach? I say fuck that, make your own fluff.

Ask yourself why it is the way you are feeling what you do. Why do you need to feel wanted, or want to feel needed - isn't that just ego? Sure, love is great and love is grand - but there is so much more love out there to be experienced in various forms and expressions if only you'd stop looking for it in the same old places and experienced new and different ways of thinking and perceiving things. This whole love-game is so old-fashioned and timeless there's plenty of time for it in your life so why not dedicate some of that desire and love towards yourself and your own personal development? Just imagine how powerful you could be if you cultivated all that wasted energy, consumption and concentration and channeled it to a higher goal. Get out there and be weird!

Since birth we have been conditioned to believe that everyone is supposed to find a mate because...well, that's what everyone else does, right? Dario Maestripieri, PhD (author of "Games Primates Play") writes: 

"The most amazing psychological adaptation for pair-bonding - romantic love -creates in the human mind a longing for the desired partner and a psychological dependence not dissimilar from that existing between a young child and her mother. Successful bonds involve a profound psychological and physiological interdependence between partners such that the absence or loss of one partner can be literally life-threatening for the other." 

Why not challenge the status-quo and venture out into the unknown by yourself, and for your self? Or would you rather suck upon mothers proverbial teat for the rest of your life? Yes it is scary and yes it is challenging but that's the point! How else are you going to develop and grow as an individual if not from lessons learned? If you truly are a seeker of enlightenment guess what, that involves tough times and hard work.

Relationships are short-cuts and very dangerous to the human condition because they lead a lot (if not most) of us into stagnant comfort zones; wastelands of stale emotional debris and a ticking clock. They are distracting and time-consuming (how many times have you heard someone say their ex-lover robbed them of the best years of their life? Or how they wasted a long time trying to either get in or out of a relationship?). Life becomes so dependent and interwoven with that of another that suddenly one find herself trapped and helpless and perhaps even convinced it's okay, that this is how it's supposed to be. BZZZ. Wrong answer. The opportunity of human life isn't there to feel comfortable all the time or to spend it running around the desperate wheel of love, going up and falling down the cogs of the machine over and over again until complacency - it's there to learn and evolve. If you're no longer learning at a rate that you did when you were a child it's a waste - yes, of course that occurs in relationships too but absolutely not exclusively so why not explore the less than appealing possibilities without the distractions?

I'm not saying avoid relationships forever but if you are currently single - do something good with your time. Harness your essence and individuality and create a better version of you so that when you do eventually find someone, you will be so well-equipped with personal knowledge and gain that you know inside yourself that it is time to share your being again. I know this might be hard for females in particular since society has taught us that a mature single lady is in someway a bad thing; again, no one said it would be easy but the challenge will only make you stronger, after all are we not the stronger sex? Look at Jane Austen, Coco Chanel or even Diane Keaton - highly successful women who didn't or don't need a committed relationship to be successful. 

To conclude this surprisingly bitter-sounding post I'll finish up with a quote. I received a post-card from a friend last year while he was traveling by himself in India. He finished it off with a quote that strikes a chord with me. It reads:

"Solitude is called wisdom. He who is alone will find that he is happy!" - R

Lastly, to my dear "other half" - this isn't a break up letter. You know how I think and you know how weird our relationship is (no thanks to my brain). And besides, you always say how much you love hearing my weird theories and hypothetical stories so this one's dedicated to you. To anyone reading this please don't be afraid to ever speak to me about your relationship woes, you know I would never judge you. These are just my silly little opinions and I'm too outspoken for my own good...but you already knew that.