My experience with the Copper IUD

I'm sure for any men reading this, it'll be like trying to look away from a car accident so feel free to skip this. More than anything, this post is intended for women who might be considering this particular method of contraception - something I wish I had to read before going in!

As an avid supporter of contraception, I felt my partner and I had run the risk long enough to start considering our options before something terrible happened (i.e. implantation of demon spawn). Whilst I may be a baby-free sex activist, I also have qualms against hormone use and of course - the dreaded condom.

So after reviewing the hormone-free alternatives out there (he didn't want a vasectomy, FYI), the most reliable option I found on the market was the copper Intrauterine Device (a.k.a. IUD).

Shaped in the form of a T - this copper and plastic device is placed deep within the Uterus and simply sits there, doing its job. (By the way, the Uterus is the part that comes directly after the fun hole of the Vagina). Since copper is a natural spermicide, pretty much any sperm that makes it into the Uterus is terminated and thusly made redundant - with a 90% chance of preventing pregnancy.

My particular T-Coil will last for five years, during which I will not have to worry about maintenance, care or...pretty much anything else regarding that particular region and its designated purpose. That's the easy part.

On to the hard part...

Obviously this isn't a pill you can swallow and there-she-goes. There's only one way that thing is getting in there and that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is where the fun stops.

So I walk into the medical clinic, anxious and extremely aware of the forewarning of pain and discomfort that awaited me; I fill in the paperwork, answer a few questions and then it's off to "The Chair".
Now I don't care who you are, or how cool you think you are - being on one of those things while naked from the waist down (purple and black cat socks not included) has to be one of the most awkward and uncomfortable experiences ever.
While I'm laying back on this thing, legs up in the air and spread wide open the nurse tells me she is going to prod around my abdomen to locate my Uterus. Sure, why not? As if I couldn't be any more exposed and vulnerable right now.

The Tenaculum

Nurse determines where my Uterus is and is satisfied that the procedure should not be a problem. She comes back with the necessary tools for insertion, and the device itself (pictured above right - yes, I had my phone with me during this time). Nurse tells me to expect a little discomfort and some pain, as if I wasn't already experiencing this from the humiliation itself.

And now time for the procedure...

She inserts the speculum, a device used for holding the vaginal walls open (the same device for Pap Smears) and I'm already chewing my lip. It's an awful feeling - not because there is any pain (there more or less isn't any) just...because. Then comes the tenaculum - a type of forceps with a slender, sharp pointed hook which is attached to a handle - that secures the end of my Uterus and holds it in place. Really beginning to feel uncomfortable about now, and to make matters worse Nurse tells me that only NOW can I expect to feel some "pressure".

The tube. A tube is used to insert the device - it basically passes the IUD through the very narrow hole that leads from the fun hole, directly into the Uterus itself (see picture below). Now apparently if you've already had children, you don't even notice this part however if you have never had the pleasure of pushing another human being through a very tiny, sensitive cavity - it's a different kettle of fish. Due to my untainted and undisturbed womb cavity, it obviously needed to be stretched open - and this is where the pain is. I absolutely cannot possibly even begin to describe the overwhelming and intense pangs of agony I experienced during this time, but it was enough to make me yelp out loud and have tears come out of my eyes. The pain could be likened to a thousand rubber bands being stretched and flicked deep within me - only worse. For the male reader, think pencil through your pee-hole - only inside your abdomen.

And so it was done. In total, it probably took about five minutes - but the last few minutes felt as if they'd lasted beyond two lifetimes. Wiping the tears away from my eyes, I sit up on the chair and Nurse tells me to take it easy since apparently there are delicate nerves and blood vessels that were manipulated down there and I can expect to feel weak and faint - brilliant. After approximately five minutes I get up and get dressed again, Nurse tells me I am free to go to work now and hands me some strong pain-killers for "just in case". I smile meagerly and make my way out of the clinic.

After about thirty seconds of walking down the road from the medical centre, I keel over in pain and experience the exact pangs of agony I had just gone through. Fortunately a taxi was around and I was able to mumble my home address and sit  in the seat with my arms over my belly like a junkie going through withdrawals.

Long story short, I spent the rest of the day cramping in bed, paralyzed from sheer agony. The pain killers only worked mildly and I didn't feel human again until the following day, and even then the intermittent cramping and weird stabs of pain lasted for three weeks.

One month later, I'm still alive. I can still expect to suffer from the painful side-effects of the device once a month though HOPEFULLY after 3  to 6 months, that should subside. If not, that means three weeks of pleasure and literally one week of pain on repeat for the next five years until I get a replacement.

Would I recommend it? Yes. Granted that what I had to go through should be likened to some medieval torture methods, I still think the pro's outweigh the cons. I would only recommend to the woman considering this device to take the STRONGEST PAIN KILLER god invented at least one hour prior to the procedure, or discuss anesthetic with your doctor.

I wouldn't wish that kind of pain upon anybody.

Okay, so maybe I would.