Laser Hair Removal

I had always considered myself to be of the more sadistic type however the longer I live in this shell the more evident it becomes to me that I am in actual fact the depraved masochist I had always denied being.

For why else would anyone willingly put themself through such new-age methods of torture, if not from some wanton desire to punish and abuse themselves on a frequent basis?

Initially I had, in a way, assumed that laser hair-removal couldn't possibly hurt that much. After all, they are using lasers and surely lasers are far too futuristic and high-tech to possibly hurt anyone, right? Surely painful procedures are a thing of the past and we are instead en route to a future filled with mindless, pain-free activities that don't require much physical involvement and all the human needs to do is lie back and let the machines do the work.

No. Not in the case of laser hair removal. Not at all.

To cut a long story short, the principle behind laser hair removal is that you destroy the hair follicle at the root by applying a device which ommits a laser. Over the course of several treatments the laser eventually completely kills the hair follicle and it never grows back.
The laser is attracted to the dark pigment of hair so it only targets the hair follicle and nothing else, say for example the skin so a strange device is pressed against your skin and it doesn't actually 'shoot' anywhere else but directly inside the hair shaft. This is why women with light coloured skin and darker hair generally tend to have the best results since the laser strikes exactly what it is supposed to.

When I did my research, most sites said that 'some level of pain should be expected'  and because I am obviously an idiot, I interpreted that 'some level' meant 'not much'. Fatal error # 1: Trusting the internet (or perhaps the mistake was trusting myself).

I have been told I have a rather high pain-tolerance, a gift I thought would see me through most of this life's physical pains. After all, I had previously put myself through what was probably the worst possible contraceptive method insertion in the world and I have managed to deal with brazilian waxes for years - however this is an entirely new level of pain that I will have great difficulty in trying to explain.

I suppose in hindsight, it all kind of makes sense; I am having the roots of my hair vaporized by a LASER - which basically means they are being BURNT to a crisp. I just didn't take into consideration that there are also many tender nerves around the hair follicles somewhere underneath my pasty white flesh and that they too may come into contact with this deadly assault. This isn't a superficial type of pain which can be felt above skin, it penetrates beneath the surface of the skin and you can feel each and every  ZAP as the laser hits a hair follicle. A 'zap' is probably the best way to articulate the sensation of the hair being burnt, though the pain is more like a dull throb. Have a look at how many pubic hairs you have and the way they are distributed and imagine a laser sliding up and down the surface of your skin, zapping and burning away each individual hair, then imagine a razor blade sliding across your teeth - only under your skin.

Obviously some areas are more sensitive than others, though I can safely say that when I had my underarms treated I was singing worse profanities than a drunken sailor. By the time they had moved down to my legs, my body was shaking, I had tears streaming from my eyes and I had some strange spasm where if it really hurt my leg would violently kick out.

Not to mention the amount of money I had to pay for this shit. I couldn't afford to pay for the whole treatment in one go so I arranged a payment plan even though just paying for the one-off left me with a much emptier bank balance. I opted for a 'package-deal', which basically meant that if I went for this option, despite it being more expensive, it was cheaper than doing each of the treatments separately. It seemed like a good idea to just get it all out of the way in one miserable hit so I chose to have my legs, underarms and bikini done and boy oh-fucking-boy was I regretting that decision when I was getting lasered. Surprisingly, the bikini didn't hurt as much as I was dreading it to (tip: go after your period) except for one particular spot which I shan't disclose unless I am requested to. The major pain occured in the underarms and behind the calf.

While the entire experience only lasted approximately half an hour, afterwards when I looked at myself in the mirror I looked like I'd been fucking for a week.

Was it worth it? Despite it being probably the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life - I will go back to my next FIVE treatments because apparently it will hurt less as the hair follicles become smaller. Am I looking forward to it? Certainly not, but I did come to the conclusion that over the course of my life I will have wasted a massive amount of time and money removing unwanted hair so it makes sense to go through with this for the long-term benefits; even if it means masochism without orgasm.